Thursday, May 27, 2010

where is the hand belongs to you

where is the hand belongs to you for ever? where can you find the right hand in your lifetime?--this essay just written for myself and those who are looking for ...

Even if many years have passed away, I still remember clearly some words of one poem named that I recited loudly on the performance of Children's Day when I was a student in primary school, and still remember that crowded movie theater,those smiling faces and hot ovation,even the bleachery where my mother was working with many villagers.even just on that day, due to appearing heavy yellow skin of my face , I was reminded maybe being in ill by those kindly villagers.

Recalling that poem ,no doubt,it always made me thinking of father's hand .in memories, his hand was big ,warm and strong, I was enjoy touching his hand ,although it's not many times to me in fact.but I couldnot forget it's warmth and power .in those days and nights when I was alone walking on the road far away hometown ,his hand like big tree standing beside me to encourage me facing difficulties and growth pains. his hand was becoming a mainstay to my spirit wherever i was.

One day, my hand finally was caught by one boy who said love me for ever,I got the else man's hand but father's for first time.and also got some hands of friendship.because of this boy's hand,I was longing to leave hometown for love and freedom ,untill someday,my father and mother were hurt deeply by me,father's tear was dropping along his brown cheek after I leaving the home , he broke the bowls and water bottle to pieces on the ground with big fury and disappointment.I just heard this from my youger brother and mother in later time.

Father ever said he would never has this daughter, and refused me to back home for ever if I insisted to go the strange place for that boy .but just after a week, he was worried about me more and more,then asked my younger sister to look for me .

while sitting near him at table again, father was calm and said many words to me, he said he was always feeling sorry for the poor living when I was a child, he only hoped me to get happy after entering into socity,he did never want to get return from me,just want me living happily without poverty,he didnot want me to be cheated by the other due to I was too young and know less about the true socity.I answered him I knew all of his mind, and thanked for his love ,I would be bear with all as it's my own choice.I never care a lot about the money,just because of real love ,that's enough to me.

Later, the realities proved it's true what all said by father.but it's difficult to change when the one started to understand how about the real love .in those painful times, father's hand always hold me to go on ."dont worry about more, Joan, whatever you choose, we will be with you for ever".I still cannot forget what he said to me in one afternoon when I was working in the village while sunset towarding the top of the hills, "be strong1 be strong!" his voice was so soft and warm ,my tears couldnot help droppong down.

Something unexpected may happen any time.I lost father's hand for ever as one traffic accident happened after my younger brother's marriage was over for 15 days.I was falling into heavy sadness without hope .at that time, you said to me ,"I can give my hand for you again like your father's for 50 years, then you will have to go on walking alone ".I answered ,"sure,I believe your promise , but I will never give up your hand ,I want your hand holding mine like father's till the end of the life ".

Day after day, but your hand leave me wittingly or unwittingly,I didn't know what happened made you doing that, another way, you didnot explain any always changes with the diffierent situations .finally when I have known completely about love, I decided to never asked for your hand again .it's the best way to let go ,it's the best way to leave me alone.

Let go , hold on ; waving , shaking . soft, coarse ; Warm , cold . Many hands appeared or will appear in one's life.Different hands gets different feelings, sometimes it makes you feeling happy for long or short time, sometimes it makes you being into pain for many years or some minutes, even sometimes it makes you have no memory in your mind.

So where is the hand belongs to you ? where can you find the right hand in your life? nowadays I can say, no one's hand belongs to you forever, no one's hand can hold yours for a lifetime....

You must learn to face all by yourself , you must be with your own hand for ever

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